Staplegunned
by brunette-baker
Summary: Post-ep13. TVShow. When Chuck's cousin and Blair's old best friend Miranda comes home to help the Blair situation, nothing but trouble can be on the way. Co-written by brunettebabe71 and Emmeline Baker. CB, NOC, DS. Also Take Our Poll.
1. She's Back

**Name: **Staplegunned

**Author**: Bridgie (brunettebabe71) and Emmy (Emmeline Baker)

**Summary: **Post-ep13. When Chuck's cousin and Blair's old best friend Miranda comes back from boarding school to force the two together, nothing but trouble can come from it. CB, NM (MIRANDA! Kindof. :D), DS

**AN: **Hey! It's Emmy! –waves- so. Me and Bridgie have been working on this for forever, so I hope you enjoy it. :) BTW, the title and description are from "Staplegunned" by the Spill Canvas. Go listen to it. Now. And then review!

**Disclaimer: **I don't even want to go into this, but I do not own Gossip Girl. Me and Bridgie own Miranda though. :D

---

Miranda Bass's thick, almost black but not quite lush head of hair thumped against the limo. She sighed. She had forgotten how much traffic there was in New York City. She must just have gotten used to that damn boarding school. There was never any traffic, making it ideal for the drag races often held. Miranda had won all that she entered in.

A French-manicured nail tapped on the separation glass.

"Are we almost there?" she asked, exasperated. Patience may be a virtue but it certainly wasn't needed, especially not to a Bass.

"Yes Miss Bass," the driver said politely. You didn't mess with Bass women, especially not the one in the back. She sighed and flopped back against the seat. Anybody else would have looked like a little child pouting. But Miranda made it seem graceful, almost like a model posing. The limo came to a stop, and Miranda's smile grew. She could see that Chuck, her favorite cousin, was at the doors. If she wanted to make a grand entrance, she'd have to do it quickly. The driver opened the door. She put one black glittery Manolo out onto the pavement, showing a glimpse of her tan leg. She knew this would capture Chuck's attention, thinking it was some new hot girl. How happy he would be when he found out differently.

Then she let her whole body slip out elegantly, revealing all 5' 1" of her. She was dressed to the nines, always was. Her heels were at least four inches, her black dress ended right above her knees. It was black, a scoop neck and then an empire waist; the sleeves were three quarter and flared out. Her hair was straight, two inches under her collarbone, and a blunt cut. It seemed to flow around like thick sheets of silk, not that there was such a thing. She had side swept bangs, and on the other side, strands of hair framed her heart-shaped face with the prominent cheekbones and small chin. Luscious lips, coated with Dior lip gloss. She wore big black sunglasses that rested on her ski hill nose, perfectly arched eyebrows, completed with a thin headband with a cute black bow on the right side, opposite of her bangs.

"Checking out your cousin Charles? That's a new low, even for a scoundrel such as yourself," her voice was crisp; anybody besides Chuck would miss the teasing laced into her words.

"But darling, you look so good. Who am I to resist?" Chuck came up to her and engulfed her in a bear hug. She giggled with wholesome delight.

"You're such a rogue," she taunted.

"And you're a tease. So why are we wasting our time pointing out the obvious?" Chuck questioned.

"Surprise," she smirked.

"The best kind. I can't believe you took me up on my offer. Honestly, I'm very excited to catch up. Wait until Blair sees you, she'll freak out. And Serena better start running, I know how mad you were at her after that whole Nathaniel ordeal… speaking of Nathaniel, you should really see him, he's..." Chuck started in on a spiel, probably hoping to convince her into something. Miranda rolled her eyes; as if _he_ could manipulate _her_. She taught him everything he knew.

"Please, save it Charles. Honestly. Do you think I'm that dense? Well, I'm not. I know the real reason you wanted me here Charles. To help with Blair. Correct?" His eyes flashed for a quick moment, which was all the answer Miranda needed. "That's what I thought. And I know how your mind and hers, in fact, operate. You need me to eliminate Nathaniel, the shining prince on a white horse, for you to make your move on Blair. And I came here to do just that. Now, find somebody to get my luggage upstairs. I'm rather exhausted."

Miranda didn't wait for a reply. She simply click-clacked off, gaining the attention of anybody passing.

And why wouldn't she? She had as much confidence as Serena, and as much beauty as Blair. She owned New York. When they were young, before Miranda was forced into boarding school, Blair and Miranda had ruled this town.

"_Excuse me? Was I talking to you? Because I don't think I was. So, why in the world would you talk to me?" Miranda hissed at Serena. _

"_You're such a bitch," Serena spat._

"_Funny, because from what I hear, you've got that title taken. Along with slut, and fake; would you like me to continue?" Miranda smirked. Blair rolled her eyes._

"_Miranda, stop being a bitch, Serena stop being so freaking annoying," Blair commanded, "let's focus on the task at hand. Destroying that stupid redheaded skank." _

_Serena's eyes misted over with disgust. That redhead told the whole school that she had herpes. Bitch. _

_Miranda's gleamed with naughtiness. How she loved tearing people to shreds. _

_Blair's held determination. The redhead slept with Chuck and then turned around and tried to do the same with Nate. She didn't think so._

"_I've got it." Miranda's smile was now devious. Both girls automatically noticed it. Serena's smile grew. Her and Miranda were friends, quite good ones in fact, but Miranda was the only one that would call Serena out on any of her bad friend qualities. And Serena was the only one who would insist that Miranda do the right thing. This would often cause arguments. But at the end of the day, the girls had each other backs._

"_Let's hear it," Blair was now hopping from foot to foot, giddy. Miranda leaned towards them and whispered the plan, the girls giggled in delight. This should be a fun one._

_The girls were now in the auditorium. The whole school was to be watching a movie about not drinking or smoking or something else equally pointless that they'd never pay attention to. Were they in for a treat._

"_Oh, yes Chuck! Right there!" a girls breathy moans were heard, making everybody whip their heads towards the giant screen. Where the stupid redhead, Clarissa, was having sex with Chuck Bass. Students immediately began to laugh, all whipping their heads towards her. "Isn't she going out with Georgio, the basketball player? What a slut!" this and other jabs flitted around the room. The teachers were all hysterically trying to turn off the show. Next on the screen appeared the Free Clinic. Clarissa was seen entering and then leaving. She read something off a sheet and then threw it in a garbage can. A taxi driver retrieved it for the camera holder. And it was shown on the screen. Positive for herpes? Nice. And then they filmed the tape being burned, and packaged, with the addresses to every semi-respectable college or university in America and Europe. Clarissa ran out, sobbing._

_She wouldn't show her face in New York again._

Both brunette, both short, both had heart shaped faces, both schemers, both manipulative, both dreamers, and both believed in happily ever afters.

The difference? Blair followed rules, and when she didn't, she made sure not to be caught. But Miranda was a Bass. Rules were simply guidelines. And she hated to be guided; she often just teetered her way. But society adored her. Her father may be new money, but her mother was old, and therefore Miranda Bass was treated as Old Money. And she was charming, with those dimples, how could she be devious? She had much too big baby blues to be anything other than innocent, so Miranda could practically do anything, and nobody would say a word.

---

Chuck smirked. Miranda was back. She knew about the plan and had _agreed _to it. Which alone showed his terrific luck, Miranda hated Nathaniel. He whipped out his cell phone. Pressing numbers without looking, he knew who he would end up talking to. She answered on the third ring.

"What do you want? I'm busy," Blair hissed and he could see her glare in his mind. This just caused him to smirk.

"Why Blair, I really just want you. Well, that is to talk to you, before you get your hopes up." He could almost feel her rolling her eyes on the other end; he smirked. "I should tell you that I have a surprise for you. And this surprise really wouldn't want to see you all over me, so you should try to contain yourself," Chuck hopped into the waiting limo. He wanted to get Miranda a present for coming.

"What kind of surprise Bass? Is this one of your schemes? If so, I'm truly not interested," Blair was about to hang up, he could feel it.

"Blair, I _promise_. I _promise_ that this is one surprise that you'll adore. Okay?" He waited until he heard her sigh on the other end. "Come to the Palace at eight." Chuck hopped out of his limo, in the same fashion as he'd gotten in.

"Okay Bass. I'm going to trust you. You better not mess this up," and with that, the line was dead. Chuck threw his phone back into his pocket. He walked in and immediately, five salesgirls were surrounding him. They must remember the diamond necklace, he mused. And they were all sending him heated glances.

So a sell for a sell. He liked it here.

"Anything you want Mr. Bass?" a redhead gazed at him hungrily.

"Would you like anything to drink Mr. Bass?" the brunette fluttered her eyelashes.

"Or if you'd like anything to eat, I'm always available, to help you." Of course the blond was the boldest.

"Girls!" a gray haired lady admonished. The brunette and redhead blushed, the blond winked. He couldn't help but smirk back at her (however wasted for today) audacity.

"So, Mr. Bass, what is it that you have in mind today?" a raven haired girl asked, all business.

"A necklace," Chuck answered. Miranda hated rings, and earrings. She only wanted a diamond on her left hand. As for bracelets, Miranda liked them, but only wore them sometimes. She loved necklaces. And headbands.

It was obvious that Miranda Bass and Blair Waldorf had grown up together.

"Preferably sparkly and diamond, and maybe pearls."

"I have just the thing," the raven haired girl guided him towards a case. Inside was the perfect necklace. It was a silver chain, with a diamond encrusted into it, then more chain and then a pearl, then more chain, diamond. And in the middle, a diamond hung below, and pearls circled around it. It'd be perfect.

"I'll have two," he ordered. The salesgirl smiled, pleased with herself and quickly tied them up, making sure they were wrapped lavishly. Chuck took off. He smirked. He loved it when he had something he knew others wanted… it gave him a sense of control. And if there was one thing every Bass adored, it was control.

---

Blair Waldorf checked the clock, yet again. Two hours until she got to see Chuck… Chuck's surprise, that was, she told herself.

Again.

And she kept insisting to herself that it was the surprise, _not_ Chuck who unleashed the fluttering in her stomach. She quickly switched her attention to the man in front of her.

"So, Nate. How is the Captain?" Blair feigned interest. Sure, the old man was okay, but she really didn't care to know every little detail.

"…and his doctors say that it's likely…" Nate droned on as Blair nodded at all the perfect moments. She couldn't help her mind from wandering. What on _earth _could Chuck's surprise be? By the way he talked she was betting on a person. But who in the world would Chuck want to surprise her with? Oh, no. It couldn't be a _girlfriend, _could it? Blair's stomach knotted at the thought. But it couldn't be. Chuck Bass wasn't the type. He was a love them and leave him. And that's why she refused to think anything else about them. Not that there even _was_ a 'them'. But the way he'd been with her, almost like he…

"Blair? Are you feeling all right?" Nate looked at her with concern in his eyes. She flashed him a dazzling smile.

"Of course I am, sweetie. But what about you? My poor little Nathaniel," She pouted at him, when she realized her mistake. She had called him Nathaniel. "Natie, if you ever need anything, you know I'll be there for you," she tried to cover quickly. She succeeded.

"Thanks Blair. I feel the same way about you," he smiled sweetly. Blair resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Nate was as flaky as the old Serena, not to mention a five year old. Instead Blair beamed some more at him.

"Oh my! Look at the time! I have dinner plans with my mother, I really should be going. Call me later? Love you Nathaniel," Blair whisked out, not even catching her mistake. And she was gone, leaving a slightly confused Nate at the table. A waitress walked over to him.

"Is something wrong Mr. Archibald?" she asks pleasantly.

"Did Blair just call me Nathaniel?"

---

"Charles! What should I wear??? I don't own any _clothes_!" Miranda shrieked desperately. Chuck rolled his eyes. Most women were bad enough, but Miranda took these things to a whole new level. She had packed a _mall_ and now she was complaining about not having enough clothes? The only person who could try to compete with Miranda in wardrobe size was Blair. But those two never would compete with each other. An unspoken rule. Chuck found this amusing, considering they were the two most competitive people he knew. If they were to ever argue, they would tear each other to shreds.

"I don't know Miranda. What about the red one? Or the black one? Or maybe the purple one," he recalled various dresses she had tried on for him.

"CHARLES! You're NO help! Do you know that?! You stupid rascal. Honestly, what good are you?" she was now storming around the suite; it reminded him of a caged animal.

"Darling, why would I be good when it's so much more fun to be bad?" Chuck knew he was in dangerous territory, egging her on at this point.

"And that's why you'll never get Blair," she snapped viciously.

"Ouch. Somebody jet lagged?" he asked sarcastically.

"Can it Charles. Can you please just help me? Please? You know how important this is to me…" she turned her ice blue eyes on him. Her long, dark lashes fluttered. Damn it.

"Yes. Now what do you need," Chuck relented unhappily. Miranda's smile made up for his pansiness.

"Thank you Charles, I always could count on you," her words were full of sincerity. He hated that he loved her so much. He hated it even more that she loved him so much. He was just bound to disappoint her. And she reminded him so much of Blair.

Wait, wrong subject. He pushed that thought out of his mind.

"No you can't." Chuck's voice was serious now, he had tried to make it sound playful, sarcastic, but the hard edge to it gave his feeling away.

"Yes I can, Charles. And Blair can too," Miranda stated brusquely. Basses never were subtle, "now help me. Which one should I wear?" she held up a red halter to her body.

"Too flashy," Chuck commented. She rolled her eyes, and picked up the black.

"Too formal."

"Too extravagant."

"Too sexy."

"Too casual."

"Perfect." Miranda looked up at him in astonishment. He really liked this dress too? She skipped to the restroom, pulling the baby blue material over her head. She looked in the mirror. She was satisfied with the image that greeted her. The dress straps were thick, and halter. It was a darker blue than the rest of the dress. It was the straps and it was the edge of the dress but wrapped underneath her bosom, gathered into the middle, where a large sapphire sat. It then flowed down to right above her knees. She looked like a Greek Goddess. She nodded her head in approval. She let her hair stay down, its blunt straight cut contradicting the dress. But she could pull it off. She slipped on matching Prada pumps. Her eyeliner was swept onto the top lids, going slightly beyond her eye, and a dusk of white was swept across her eyelids, giving her a Cleopatra look. She then swiped on her favorite Dior lip gloss that made her feel so Audrey (of course she and Blair would aspire to the same woman). She stepped out of the bathroom.

"How do I look?" it wasn't a question as much as it was a demand. But it didn't matter, since the answer was the same either way.

"If you weren't my cousin, I'd bang you," Chuck smirked.

"We could move to Alabama," she smirked back. He forgot how annoying it was. No wonder Blair put up such a fuss about it.

"In your dreams," Chuck teased.

"Psh, Charles, you wish you could get something as good as moi. I guess that's why you're settling for second best," Miranda tittered.

"Does Blair know you refer to her as second best?" Chuck asked rhetorically.

"Does it look like I have a death wish? Now come on, Charles, you're going to make us late!" Miranda was storming out of the room. Miranda was notorious for being everywhere on time but being a Bass she was always running late. She was quite a contradiction.

---

Blair tapped her foot impatiently. Sure Chuck still had five minutes before he'd be considered late, but damn was she sick of waiting for him. And besides, he was a Bass and Basses always seemed to be running late. An angry sigh escaped her lips. Suddenly her spine started to tingle. He was here. She could feel it, she could smell him. And a girl. Cotton candy and Juicy Couture perfume, wait that was…

"Miranda?" she whipped around.

"Uck! I didn't even get to surprise you. Why must you be so difficult Blairbear?" Miranda pouted, gracefully seating herself across from Blair, whose mouth was in a perfect 'o' shape.

"Careful, with your mouth like that, some may realize your lifestyle," Chuck drawled, glaring slightly. Blair snapped it shut fast enough to hurt her jaw and glared at him; he smirked back.

"Oh you two! Honestly, can you stop flirting enough for Blair to properly greet me?" Miranda chastised.

Blair overcame her shock and bounced up, launching herself in a very un-Blair, unsophisticated sort of way. She landed with her head buried in Miranda's hair, arms around her neck and squealing, as in a little school girl squeal. As in a Miranda squeal.

"I've MISSED you!" Blair screeched. Miranda patted her hair, giggling like the cheerleader she was.

"Really? Couldn't tell!" Miranda laughed sarcastically.

"Not that I don't mind the girl on girl action, or waiter seems to be getting impatient. Which by the way, since we're on the subject of _you_, _you_ serve _us._ So you better always look damn happy to be doing so," Chuck interjected rudely. The waiter's cheeks flushed in embarrassment. Miranda rolled her eyes. Blair glared at Chuck.

"Don't be such a jerk," she hissed quietly.

"Worrying about the help now? Wow, Blair I'm impressed, really I am. So is that what your little dethroning escapade taught you?" Chuck shot back sarcastically. Miranda whipped towards Blair.

"So how did you get those girls back? Shoo now," Miranda waved her hands dismissively towards the waiter, all of her attention on Blair.

"Well…" Blair began, "I'm really not proud of what I've done."

"Sure you aren't." Miranda's eyes glinted with pure adulated joy.

"Well, I guess I am," Blair smirked.

"Spit it out already Waldorf," Chuck was now subtly fidgeting, "this is almost as boring and as drawn on as your and Nathaniel's relationship. By the way, where is he? I thought he said you two had plans. But, I'm sure that Victrola stripper is keeping him _fine_ company…" He drew out his words suggestively.

"Ignore him," Miranda commanded as she shot Chuck a look that would make any man shrivel and die, "So what did you do?"

"Well for Hazel, I simply exposed what she practically shoved into everybody's face! She was a fraud, a snobby one at that. When everybody found out she had no money, that her mother was a hooker and that she'd given bj's at a club for 200 dollars each, people really just hated them all on their own. Jenny was much more challenging. Her destruction is actually how Chuck and I became on good terms again. She was going out with Nate right after we broke up. She slept with him. Only Nate really couldn't stand her after I told him about her role in making me miserable. So first he told everybody. Then we convinced George Rodgers, a band geek, to sleep with her… Oh, and she had a sex tape with Chuck, and then we got her 'caught' sleeping with one of the professors. Nobody will even come within a foot of her. And when Gossip Girl got a picture of her shooting heroin, well that was just a bonus." Blair smiled gleefully. Miranda's eyebrows rose, her smile broadening.

"Impressive. I'm glad to know that I've taught you well," she winked

"Well, now that we've gotten all that exciting information out of our systems…" Chuck drawled, sounding bored as he swirled his glass of scotch around, trying to focus on the clinking of ice instead of Blair's legs, which were being revealed under her cream mini dress. No, he was NOT going to think about that. He lifted his gaze against his inner self's protests and instead focused on Blair's ruby red lips. Oh fuck, that wasn't any more helpful! He looked upwards and prayed for a miracle: _Please let me get through this dinner without trying to drag her into the closet and have sex with her. Please, please, please._

Not like that was really going to happen, but he could hope.

"Wait, Charles, why do you have a bag from that jewelry shop on Fifth Avenue?" Miranda asked suddenly. She reached over his lap to grab it but before she could Chuck picked it up and sat it in his lap.

"It's a surprise, and I don't think you and the other receiver of said surprise are ready for it yet." Chuck smirked at Miranda's indignant face.

"Wait Chuck, it's for me too?" Blair asked, surprised.

"Don't seem so surprised. I'm actually a very charitable person, Waldorf."

She snorted, somehow still ladylike. "Oh, I'm sure you lead a double life where you spend your days donating money to the needy. I can picture it now."

"How did you figure it out? And I've been trying so hard to keep it under wraps."

Miranda butted in. "You two shut up. I'm glad to see you're having normal human conversation, but I want to know what's in that bag!"

"Are you _sure_?" Chuck teased, accidentally remembering a time where he'd said the same words to the girl across the table from him. Blair's face turned a light purple and she clutched her glass of champagne, taking sips from it as her face slowly turned back to normal. He raised his eyebrows at her, and she couldn't meet his gaze. He smirked.

"Yes I'm sure! Are you insane? Charles, I want it now." Miranda, if she had noticed the silent exchange between Chuck and Blair, said nothing about it. (Although he doubted she didn't notice and he had a sinking feeling that when they got home, she was going to lecture him on something.)

"I also wouldn't mind seeing it. And Bass, please don't tell me it's porn."

"I would, but I know how you dislike liars."

"Charles! Open the damn bag!"

And then Chuck took out the two boxes and Miranda squealed, gathering the attention of many an elderly person in the general vicinity. "It's a necklace, isn't it? Oh Charles!" She opened the box and her mouth dropped open. "Oh Charles… it's so pretty." She sighed.

Blair, meanwhile, was gaping at the necklace. If she'd looked surprised to find out Chuck bought her a necklace then she was shocked now. She slowly lifted the chain off the velvet interior of the box and put it on, fingering the pearls and diamonds. "Chuck, it's… Beautiful."

"Do I get a thank you?"

"Yes, but not _that_ way."

"I didn't mean it _that_ way. Get your mind out of the gutter, woman."

"Charles, just shut up and let us enjoy our presents."

"Fine, fine. Enjoy the damn necklaces."

"We will, thank you, dear cousin."

While Miranda fiddled with the clasp, Blair smiled at Chuck, a real smile. He just nodded back, the shadow of one on his face. Blair's face fell a little but she regained her composure, and turned back to Miranda.

"We have matching ones. And luckily, it's not a big brand, so practically _no one_ will know where we got them from!" Blair smiled, excited at the prospect of having something no one else did, and being able to share it with her best friend.

"Everyone will be jealous, and with good reason," Miranda nodded, agreeing.

"Well, at least I did something right this time," Chuck muttered under his breath as the two girls talked about how jealous everyone was going to be.

The dinner continued without interruption for a good two more hours, until Blair and Miranda decided to go out to a club. Chuck turned down the offer and instead opted to go home and get himself drunk by himself, and possibly bring a Palace staff member into the mix. Miranda rolled her eyes at him and they took off, leaving Chuck in his room to ponder the day's activities.

"Well, this is going to be interesting, to say the least," Chuck mused aloud.


	2. Showdowns

**Name: **Staplegunned

**Author**: Bridgie (brunettebabe71) and Emmy (Emmeline Baker)

**Summary: **Post-ep13. When Chuck's cousin and Blair's old best friend Miranda comes back from boarding school to force the two together, nothing but trouble can come from it. CB, NM (but the question is, what KIND of couple??? Da Da DUH! Lol)

**AN: **Hey! It's Emmy! –waves- so. Me and Bridgie have been working on this for forever, so I hope you enjoy it. :) BTW, the title and description are from "Staplegunned" by the Spill Canvas. Go listen to it. Now. And then review!

**Disclaimer: **I don't even want to go into this, but I do not own Gossip Girl. Me and Bridgie own Miranda though. And also we have nothing against people from the Midwest (Miranda lives there!) or Alabama. It's just that these people are Upper East Siders. So yeah. Also we'd like to thank everybody for their reviews. We wholly appreciate them and look very forward to reading more. And we won't ud any of our other stories unless you review this one because we're evil like that.

Blair had decided to break out the veiled headband and pay a visit to that lovely priest, who'd been so nice to her when she came to her confession after the whole Victrola ordeal. Instead of the Nanette Lepore pencil skirt and ruffled button-up, however, she chose a white short sleeve shift dress, cinched in the middle of her stomach with a black ribbon belt that snapped with a bow. She had tugged black, lace-patterned tights over her legs (which were sore from dancing the night before with Miranda), and black satin Nine West Mary Jane pumps on her feet. Finally feeling set with an _amazing_ piece of work of a leather jacket by good old Mother Dearest (she had to give Eleanor some credit for her work), she walked to the cathedral. Entering the freshly familiar confessional box, she sat and started off her confession session.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It's been around… six months since my last confession, I believe."

"Excuse me, miss, but are you the same girl who asked if I was a genie?"

"Yes! You remember me?"

"Vividly, to tell the truth." Father John had no idea if he was ever going to forget that confession. Being the first of his day, it had certainly made some high expectations for everyone else's. It had made for a good laugh afterwards with the rest of the parish, too.

"Oh, thank you!"

"So what troubles you now, my child?"

"Well, remember the self-absorbed ass I was telling you about?"

"Ahem."

"Sorry, is profanity a sin? I don't know, as you remember, I'm not Catholic."

"I'd prefer if you didn't use it."

"Oh, well then, I'll try my best. Anyways, so I really _did _try to stay away from him, but the next day was my birthday party, which he came to, even though I uninvited him-you should make sure God knows about that, so He can put it on his Holy rap sheet-and he said I gave him butterflies. Chuck Bass! _Butterflies_, for Chri- oops, sorry, never mind. And so he gave me this necklace that I really wanted, and oh, it was so beautiful, and he was so _sweet_! I don't know what happened to him, really. And so then we kind of had an affair, and he was adorable for a while, until I decided to go to my debutante ball with Nate-he's my boyfriend and has been since we were five, it's so romantic-and he got mad. I don't know why. So he told Nate-who's his best friend- that I was having an affair with Carter Baizen and Nate punched out Carter and I found out that Chuck told Nate and I broke up with Chuck because he _ruined _my ball for _his _pleasure! I asked him to behave. I gave him a chance, but he just threw it back in my face. So went to Nate and pretended to lose my virginity to him, which clearly I didn't. Chuck went to Monaco for a while, and then he came back and tried to blackmail me. It was really irritating. And everything blew up in my face because everyone found out I slept with Chuck like four times-well, they didn't find that out, but the fourth time was the week of the deb ball-and then with Nate in the same week. Oh, and I thought I got pregnant. But I'm back on top now." Blair finally paused for breath, smiling at the fact that she was back in her original spot of glory.

"Well, if that's all then-"

"Oh, that's not the reason I'm here."

Of course not. Father John shook his head, smiling a little bit.

"So why are you here, if not to tell me all of this?"

"Well that was part of it. So I've been best friends with Chuck's cousin, Miranda, since we were young, but she went away to boarding school around a year before Serena left- Serena's my other best friend, obviously-and now she's back, and I have to see Chuck more. And he's mad at me for choosing Nate, when I had to! I mean, I can't go out with _Chuck Bass_; I'll be the Mary Magdalene of the Upper East Side again."

Now there was a term he understood. Father John raised his eyebrows.

"But I think I hurt him and now I feel bad. And I kind of really want him, and not Nate, because Nate's just so, so _monotone_. I love the idea of him, and that's about it. But I don't want to hurt Nate! What do I do? Can you ask _Him _for me?"

"My child, I think your type of problem needs an advice panel. But I'll see what I can do." Father John snorted behind his hand, thankful for the panel separating him and the troubled young woman on the other side.

"Oh, thank you Father!" Blair smiled and walked out of the confession booth feeling much better.

Father John shook his head and began to laugh quietly. He lifted his head to the ceiling and murmured, "God, for my sake, show this girl some guidance. Amen." After all, she needed it.

-

As Blair left the church, head held up high, with a smile on her sunglass-adorned face, Chuck snuck through the huge wooden doors without being spotted by Blair. This was the second time Blair had gone to confession, and Chuck actually being a Catholic, he thought it was a better time than any to exercise his religion for the first time since he was nine. If Blair wasn't even Catholic and _she _could go to confession, he had just as much right as she did. Plus, he had some unburdening to do.

As he slouched into his seat after double-checking for any camera phones in the pews, he attempted to remember his CCD schooling. "Um, forgive me Father, for I have sinned, it's been around six years since my last confession."

Father John's ears perked up a little bit. This one had the same type of upper-crust accent as the girl before him. "And what troubles you, my child?"

"Well, that girl that was in here before me?"

"Yes?"

"Did she say anything about me?"

"I can't tell you that, son."

"I'll pay you! In cash."

"Are you Catholic, child?"

"Yes! And she isn't!"

"Do you often exercise your religion?"

"Well, no."

"That's what I thought. Why don't you just try to confess something?"

"Well, my name's Chuck Bass, and my father's Bart Bass, if that means anything to you-which it should," Chuck added meaningfully, after a moment of thought.

"Yes?" the priest encouraged, blatantly ignoring the bait that the young man was dangling in front of his face. He would not be bought. Then he remembered from the girl's confession- "Wait, Chuck Bass, did you say?"

"Yes! Why do you ask?"

"Err, no reason. Um. No reason at all."

"Did you hear my name from that girl in here?"

"Yes-well, no, well…" Father John stuttered, caught off guard. Oh dear. "No, no, she didn't…"

It was too late. Chuck already knew the priest was lying. "Ha!" he crowed. "What did she say?"

"Now, I really can't tell you that. I've told you more than I should have already. Now begin your confession, or please get out!" the priest said, exasperated. These teenagers were going to be the death of him.

"What if I give you a confession for a confession?" Chuck baited.

"No. That's not how confessions work. Now please start." Father John was trying not to pull his hair out, the girl was right, Chuck was an ass.

"Fine. My confession is… well I've sinned a lot, where would you like me to start?" Chuck asked.

"From the beginning…"

"Well… when I was five, was it? I'm pretty sure I kissed Blair, and by then she was already dating Nathaniel. Also I've kissed Serena, who's a slut, so that's got to be a sin. Not to mention all of the other sluts I've kissed or fucked… oh and I'm pretty sure I pushed Nathaniel in the sandbox when we were three or something for touching my scarf. It's silk! And his hands were all dirty! Really what was he thinking? He's lucky I didn't kill him…"

"How about your sins from the past year," Father John interrupted. Why did all the girls fall for bad boys?

"Well there's the numerous women I've slept with. The cursing, the boozing… I don't listen to my father, I don't listen to old asses who think they know everything…"

"I'm assuming you mean your elders?"

"Yeah. Well, and I screwed my best friend's girl, and liked it, to tell you the truth. And I kind of want her as mine. And I've convinced my cousin to help. I mean, not that she wouldn't want to, because she does. Miranda really likes to mess with people's lives, she's worse than Blair and I, and that's… pretty bad… anyway, the plan is for Miranda to steal Nathaniel away from Blair. Which may harm their friendship but I'm sure it won't, because well Miranda is sneaky. Also I'm going to go behind Blair and my best friend's back to make sure I'm the one getting the girl this time. And once I get her, I assure you I will have to come back here on a weekly basis if I don't want to go to hell. Blair is the best kisser. What that girl can do with her tongue…"

"Ahem."

"Sorry. Well that's all. Uh. Now what?"

"You ask for God to repent your sins."

"Oh. God, can I be repented?"

"It's may I," a female voice called from outside the box, adding, "And I'm pretty sure Blair doesn't want you telling a priest and God what she can do with her tongue, Charles…"

"Miranda? What are you doing here?" he flew out the box and came face to face with a smirking Miranda. She was wearing a black pencil skirt with a dangerous slit, five inch Jimmy Choos and a baby blue cashmere sweater under a matching black tailored jacket. Her hair was in its usual glossy glory and each arm was loaded with shopping bags.

"Hello father, I'm Miranda. Charles's cousin and Blair's best friend. I'm sure you've heard of me, everybody has." She called out into the confessional box.

"I suppose I might have heard of you," Father John couldn't help but want to laugh. It was obvious that those three were from the same lot.

"Puh-lease! Once Gossip Whore finds out I'm back, you'll be hearing all about me. Who knows? Maybe even some things will leak out of my little boarding school? You've just got handed the three most scandalous, delicious, beautiful Upper East Siders. It must be your lucky day."

"What are you doing here, Miranda?" Chuck repeated, switching the topic.

"It's all over Gossip Whore. 'Spotted B having even more to confess? Hmm, maybe another fall won't be that far off? And C following right after her… we all know this bad boy has a lot to confess, or maybe just a quickie in a church? Kinky.' I can't stand her, I really can't. Anyways after I saw that, I just had to stop by. Maybe do a little confessing of my own? But when I heard you I thought that maybe I'd entered the wrong place… you're such a whore by the way," Miranda explain-ranted.

"It runs in the family." Chuck taunted back.

"Out. I'm confessing without your loudmouth around. Bye Charles." she air kissed him and stepped into the booth. Chuck rolled his eyes and left. Miranda was about to sit when her phone began to ring. _Barbie Girl _blared into the cathedral.

"Blair Bear!" Miranda greeted enthusiastically.

"Lunch? New sushi place?" Blair skipped the pleasantries, they were way past that.

"Meet you there in five," Miranda flipped her phone closed, "Sorry Mr. Priest, I guess you'll have to wait for another time." And with that Miranda click- clacked her way out.

"Next time, miss, please put your phone on vibrate at least?" the priest called after her half-heartedly. But she was already gone, leaving an amused and slightly intrigued Father John to his own devices.

---

_**Spotted**_: **K&I** lurking around the St. Paul Cathedral, where **C **and **B **were spotted beforehand. Thanks for being so dedicated, you two gossipmongers, but after those three leave it's not likely anything un-saint-like will happen. And without the devil church is just boring.

---

Miranda entered the restaurant, searching for Blair. The two had agreed to meet up for lunch and Miranda was surprisingly early. She sighed, Blair wasn't here yet. As she glanced around the room a familiar blond head caught her attention. Miranda smiled. Perfect timing. She strutted over to the table occupied by Serena and some fairly cute boy that wasn't her taste at all. She smirked as she stopped at the table. Serena's mouth was in a 'o' shape and the boy's eyes held confusion.

"Serena. And I presume you're Daniel? Of course you're Daniel. Nobody from the Upper East Side would wear _that. _Do you know that I go to school with people from the Midwest ? They wouldn't even dress like such lumberjacks… honestly Serena, you sure know how to pick them. There was Carter, then your best friend's boyfriend and now this? Can you really need my guidance that much? Goodness you're falling apart without me…" Miranda tsked, ending her usual snarky greeting.

Serena was fidgeting nervously. Dan already hated her. He hated anyone that either reminded him of Blair, or made Serena nervous, and unfortunately for this girl, she took both those titles. "Excuse me? Who are _you_? Obviously nobody too important if I haven't heard of you" Dan snapped, slightly bemused.

"Correction. You haven't heard of me yet. But don't worry Daniel, you will. I'm Miranda Bass. Blair's best friend. Charles's cousin. Nathaniel's arch enemy. Oh, and I used to be Serena's defender. But I don't deal with sluts. So I suppose that means I won't be dealing with your sister either… what a shame if she's anything like you. I've always wanted to see if bad clothing was genetic or if you had to try really hard to look so hideous. Either way Daniel, you take the cake. Even though you're getting close S. Did a five year old's closet explode onto you? I don't think anybody else would own so much glitter…"

"S! M! how are you two? So have you been catching up? M, I need to talk to you, like now…" as soon as Blair had spotted the two she knew there'd be a verbal smack down. Miranda didn't forgive and she never forgot, and with her fierce protectiveness of Blair, there was bound to be confrontation. Blair just wanted it somewhere more private.

"But S and I were having oh so much fun catching up. Weren't we S? She was telling me how 'S' stands for 'slut'. It was really just getting interesting. I mean sleeping with her best friend's boyfriend at said best friend's most vulnerable. If I didn't know any better I'd say you sought to damage Blair… so are you arranging to do it again soon? Because I'd prefer to get the bitch slapping done now…" Miranda was slightly hissing. By now Dan's blood had gone cold. This bitch was scary. She was worse than Blair, because Blair was the ice queen, this girl was fire and she was already smoking Serena.

"Miranda, I know you're mad. And I understand why but I've changed. I'm different now…" Serena started, Miranda cut her off with a acidic snicker.

"Darling the leopard may paint on stripes but when it rains it'll wash away and all that will remain are spots. It's raining, Serena. So S, I've been meaning to ask, how _is _your _dear stepbrother_? I _know _how _close _you've always _been with_ your family." Blair's eyebrows shot up, as did Dan's. Miranda dragged Blair away, delicately singing "rain rain go away…" beneath her breath. Dan couldn't help thinking, _Psychopath_… as she walked away.

"What the hell was she talking about Serena?" Dan asked his fuming girlfriend, confused and praying that Miranda was just bullshitting.

"God only knows, but she can't talk to me like that. She has no right!" Serena stalked after Miranda and Blair.

"You bitch," Serena was steaming.

"Tsk tsk Serena, watch your language. You usually only cuss when you're in the gutter," Miranda's cold, calm voice frazzled Serena. She expected some remorse.

"What the hell is your problem?" Serena's voice was beginning to rise. Blair pulled a chair down.

"Sit down S, no need to attract more attention," Blair yanked her down, smiling for show.

"My problem? My problem is _you. _As cliché as that sounds, it's true. And you of all people know how I take care of my problems, so if I were you, I'd watch out. Are we done now? I'd prefer to go back to eating with Blair."

"NO! We're not done! What are you even talking about? How am I your problem?" Serena was for once demanding something of somebody. And of a Bass no less. Miranda looked up at her with pure repulsion.

"How are you my problem?" she was hissing, "You're my problem because you're Blair's problem. Because this isn't the first time we've spoken this week, today even. But you don't remember that do you? You don't remember any of it.

_Blair and Miranda danced, the music thumping into their veins. Blair laughed at something vulgar Miranda whispered. They were both truly happy, having fun. Suddenly Blair's cell rang, an unknown number flashing up._

_"Answer it. It could be a hot stripper, you never know," Miranda giggled, encouraging Blair to answer her cell._

_"Hello," Blair giggled into the phone. Her smile soon turned upside down as she listened. "How much? What do you mean you don't know! She __**came drunk**__?! So __nobody knows how much she's drank? How much has she eaten? Uck. Okay, where is it? Okay. Yeah. I'll be there in five minutes, keep her safe until then." Blair hung up. Her face was pale and her expression grave._

_"What happened?" Miranda automatically went into protective mode._

_"Serena's smashed. She can't even hold herself up. Michael Hanns found her in the tub with her hand in a toilet, shaking and vomiting. Would you mind coming with?" by the end Blair sounded like a lost little girl. Miranda shook her head vigorously._

_"Of course!" Miranda and Blair quickly headed out of the club into the smoky air of the streets. The black velvet of the night crushing down on them, heavy with smoke and desperation. They hopped into a waiting limo that sped off to the directions that Blair had spewed. A thick wanted silence hung in the air. Miranda's mind was busy double-checking what to do when they got there. She didn't need to think hard, these nights seemed to string endlessly out for her, dealing with her family. Blair on the other hand wasn't so calm and unfazed. Miranda had never been shocked over anything, now was no different but Blair had truly thought Serena had changed. Blair didn't think she'd be back here, in this position. She hated Serena for it. For making her deal with all of this again. The limo pulled up in front of a cheap hotel. It mind as well have been a fucking motel. Blair stepped out graciously, forever performing. Miranda did the same. Blair froze at the door. Did she really want to go through all of this again? Miranda could sense her hesitation and stepped in front of Blair, taking the lead. She'd always been better with these situations anyways. Miranda's heels echoed into the empty 'lobby.' She stopped in front of the front desk._

_"Hi, which way is room 304?" Miranda's voice was clipped and professional, not one to be messed with. The receptionist automatically felt slight fear of the feisty short brunette._

_"Uhm, third floor, left side of the hallway," she stuttered. Miranda gave an acidic smile._

_"Thank you," so polite that it sent chills down the receptionist's spine, she gave a tight lipped smile as Miranda led Blair towards the elevator. They rode up, both shaking: Miranda from rage and Blair from fear. It dinged open and Miranda's heels were now pounding into the floor. Blair tip toed behind her. Miranda didn't knock, simply let herself in. The room was dimly lit, mostly by the glows of TV's, illuminating couples making out, among other things. People surrounded a glass coffee table, doing lines. Many more were in corners, half naked and panting. Miranda didn't seem to see it; all too__ familiar, it no longer had an e__ffect on her. Not that it ever really had. Blair however shuddered. She'd never been to a party this bad. When things got like this, Chuck would insist she'd wait in the car while he go__t Serena. Bodies were groping a__nd booze flowed freely. It was all in a smoky haze because of the joints lit up everywhere. Blair stayed close to Miranda, mimicking her every move. She followed her right into the edge of a crowd. Miranda pushed their way through, both girls being so tiny it had always been easy for them to do. The sight that lay before her sent Blair into protective best friend mode. Serena was being held up by her arms, Michael Hanns struggling to keep hold of her. The room was a mess, bags and clothes thrown everywhere. Michael sat on the bed with Serena's dead weight body on the floor. Her head hung down because she couldn't __support it. Somebody had left a bowl underneath it. Miranda was crouching down all ready, grabbing a Gatorade from her purse. Blair pushed through the rest of the crowd and crouched besides Serena._

_"Hey S, it's me, Blair," Blair started to say._

_"Blhair blhair…" Serena started to slur. Blair could tell by the way that it was said that it held no meaning to the blond. She was too wasted to understand what it even meant. Then Serena started yanking her body towards the floor, "LET ME GO!" she scream-slurred._

_"I can't Serena," Michael tried to explain as he tightened his grip._

_"Serena, stop," Miranda demanded gently. Serena did but still begged for sleep._

_"Serena, how much have you drank?" Blair tried to ask but she was unresponsive, only moaning. Miranda grabbed Serena's face, supporting it up. It was a mess. All her mascara was now around her eyes. Ringed, she looked like a Kiss wannabe but worse for the wear. Her golden hair was in a sloppy bun, the pony halfway in and half out. The snarls seemed to be keeping it up. Chunks of puke globbed in the once silky locks. She was sweaty and clammy. Blair wanted to hurl. "How much have you drunk?" she tried again._

_"Hold her head," Miranda told her softly, Blair did as she was told._

_"Come on S, drink this. Come on, just swallow," Miranda was now holding a water bottle and directing it into Serena's mouth. Serena was beyond the point of being able to swallow, it dribbled out. "Come on Serena, you can do this," Miranda continued coaxing. Spit and water dribbled onto Miranda's hand from Serena's mouth. Miranda finally sighed and got up. She grabbed a blanket and laid it on the floor, along with a couch pillow. Michael helped the girls drag Serena's dead weight onto the blanket. Miranda put her on her side, the bowl resting under her chin. Miranda sat beside her, rubbing her leg. Michael sat facing them and Blair stood, lost at what to do. Serena then shot up, but quickly began falling back down. Miranda and Michael managed to catch her and hold her up as she dry heaved. Blair held the bowl __underneath Serena's mouth. Mira__nda whispered encouraging words. They did this for hours. Finally Blair turned to Michael._

_"How long has she been like this? I mean, how long has she been drinking again?" Blair questioned. Michael looked down._

_"Two weeks after she came back. Usually by now Chuck would've taken her home. He looks out for her. Makes sure she doesn't drink too much and shit. But she showed up alone tonight and I owe Chuck a favor." Michael explained. Blair nodded curtly but tiredly. She was exhausted._

_"Thank you," Miranda said with poise that only she'd be able to maintain. Blair noticed with awe that Miranda didn't even seem tired. But she should've known better. Miranda had always been an insomniac who ran on caffeine and shopping sprees. Blair felt too tired for this. Serena had been sleeping for a solid hour and a half._

_"Would it be safe to bring her home?" she asked._

_"It should be," Michael answered. Miranda nodded agreement. Michael helped the girls drag her down to the limo. The girls collapsed into it, drained emotionally and physically. Blair fell asleep on the way there, with Miranda simply massaging her __scalp and humming with the song that was playing softly in the background. As they got to the Palace they enlisted the help of a cook who snuck Serena in the back. He helped them get her into her room and Miranda gave him a hefty tip and he departed. Blair tucked Serena into her bed. She then began to sob. Miranda steered the hysterical girl back out into the night, into the limo and up into her bedroom. Miranda stroked Blair's hair as she sobbed into her shoulder for the rest of the night._

"That's why you're my problem. Now leave. You're not welcome. Because you always say you'll change but in the end you're the same boozing whore that you always were. Why don't you run off to your precious Dan? Or does poor boy realize what white trash you really are? Either way. I do not need _you _to ruin my breakfast." With those words said Miranda directed her body away from Serena, signaling discussion over. But for a moment Serena's and Miranda's eyes had connected. Miranda knew _everything. _Every night, every lie, every whisper. That's why she knew how Chuck was constantly saving her. Serena desperately turned to Blair, hoping that she'd see the forever present disappointed but hopeful look. Blair wouldn't meet her eyes. Devastated and slightly heartbroken ,Serena left.

---

_**Spotted**_: **S **leaving Café Americano looking quite devastated. Leaving **lonely boy **all alone once again. Trouble in paradise? Well darling it IS the slums… But didn't we also spot **B **heading in? A catfight perhaps? Well one thing in this twisted world can be counted on, I will find out what's going on. So ciao for now puppets, but don't worry your empty little heads off. It's the calm before the storm.

* * *

**Okay so please please please review!!! How do you like the gg blogs??? And of course we love to hear about what you think of our own creation! Lol. So anyways please review. Kisses.**

**Bridgers**

**Emmy.**


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